Article: Elana Sisisson from Your Baby magazine
Image: Getty

A father's role in his child's development is essential, physically and emotionally. It is through being with his dad that a boy develops an understanding of what it means to be male. Sadly though, most men don't understand their vital role and presume that mom can do best what is needed.

Steve Biddulph, prominent Australian therapist and parenting author, writes in his book, Manhood: "A human being does not turn into a functioning adult without lots of help. To learn to be the gender you are, you need hours of interaction with older members of your own gender. In our society girls get it on a daily basis, but boys rarely get it from men. Most of the time men aren't around and women raise boys and girls."

In Raising a Son, Don and Joanne Elium talk about the role of a father during this time and emphasise, "Both parents need to love and be attentive to their son, in order to provide a secure, healthy environment.

As a father, you can still be involved in your baby's life. Just because you can't breastfeed him, doesn't mean that you can't be involved in the other areas of his care.

From day one, choose an activity, be it bathing him, reading to him, winding him or even just giving him a cuddle after his last feed. Don't assume that you can come into his life at the age of 6 and play soccer with him, because by then it will be too late. Make spending time with your child a habit that will continue to evolve as your baby grows.

The shift
Of course, your partner does remain your baby's primary caregiver for the first few years. But, once your son reaches school-going age, an interesting psychological shift occurs. It is as if there is a "switching on" of his masculinity. Realising that his mother and father are a unique partnership, separate from himself and that men and women are different, he now gravitates more towards you and your masculine energy. He enjoys copying you and is eager to learn from you.

This is a time of intense questioning. Your son also takes greater interest in your interaction with his mom. Is there love and respect or are you dismissive of women? He may be interested in hearing the details of your family life – a golden opportunity for you to connect and engage with him.

When your son is 3, this is the time to increase your involvement with him. He needs you, so make time for him. Play sport together, go fishing, take long walks – you know, all those "boy things" that generate a wonderful bonding experience for father and son. Besides being physically available to your son, engage emotionally with him too.

Encourage your son to open up to you, chat to him about school, his friends, his difficulties and his dreams. Tell him about your school days, the highlights, the fun times and the challenging times. Share fond memories with him. This will create a warm, trusting space that will engender an open rapport between both of you.

This precious time together will help your son learn many male qualities, including kindness and playfulness. So, if your work demands leave very little time to spend with your son, try to revise this. Perhaps come home earlier and continue with your work later on in the evening once your son is sleeping.

"I only became aware of the significance of this phase in a boy's life when a therapist highlighted it to me," explained Mark, father of two boys. "Regrettably, with my first son, I didn't embrace this time together the way I should have. But with my second son, my approach was undeniably different.

Armed with new understanding, I made a concerted effort to be there for him. Often it meant rescheduling my workday. On weekends, we would have private father and son time. Not only did my son relish the time together, but the impact this had on him is clearly visible. Compared to my first son, he seems to have a more balanced and well-defined sense of himself and displays a distinct confidence in his various pursuits."

What's a boy to do without a dad?
At this age a boy should be growing happier and more secure about being male. But what if this doesn't occur? Sadly, there are fathers who aren't willing to help their son explore a "man's" world. The result is that their son is left with identity confusion as he develops in the absence of a healthy father figure. Questions such as, "Who am I? Where do I belong?" and sexual identity issues may predominate. This sense of loss of a father may play out in depressed, and angry moods, or even in anti-social behaviour, be it vandalism, drug taking, bullying or fighting.

Psychologists call this "acting out", which occurs when a boy cannot effectively process his rage and repressed feelings. Quite simply, there is no safe outlet for him and the emotional connection to his father is not there. Single moms need to be aware of this time and try to bring in a male family member who can do "guy things" with her son. Encourage your child to talk about his feelings and address any conflicts that may arise.

The onset of adolescence can be an extremely challenging time for parents. In a boy's life, this is a stage when he requires input from male mentors if he is to complete the journey into adulthood. While still remaining involved, parents need to take a step back and allow this process to occur.

Male mentors can take the form of an uncle or schoolteacher – someone who your son looks up to and admires. So, encourage your son to find good mentors in his life. Stuart, a father I spoke to, explained, "For me, this phase in my son's life was a time in which he learnt a great deal about himself and about life in general. Particularly, though, he learnt about responsibility and self-respect."

A balanced approach
For some fathers it's difficult to let go of their sons during this phase of their lives. But if you're overly involved or domineering in your teenage son's life, this will also have repercussions. Your son may learn to resent any form of authority. Again, balance is important. Your son wants to develop his own identity but needs a reassuring dad to turn to when times are demanding. So, you need to guide, but not dominate, your child.

But what if this process isn't allowed to unfold? Without emotional engagement with a consistent male presence, a boy will tend to look elsewhere for identification. No longer feeling part of his family, he will search for a "new family". This may be the local gang or a connection with some underground sub-culture group.

Throughout a man's life much of his behaviour stems from his relationship with his own father. This relationship always colours a man's life, albeit subconsciously. We often hear men expressing, quite dogmatically, "I won't be like my father," yet they continue to repeat the same patterns that they criticise in their fathers.

The truth is, it's not so easy to change, as the unconscious shadow of our parents can weigh heavily on us. Take a look at yourself. What's your attitude towards older men? If you have difficulty trusting them you need to look at your relationship with your father. Did you trust him? If you are rebellious to authority, was your father punishing and harsh?

This internal image doesn't only relate to men. A boy's experience of how his dad treats his mom can have a profound impact too. Therapists attest to this being at the root of many difficulties men have with women. Even though these men confess staunchly that they don't want to copy their father's way of relating to women, somehow the pattern repeats in their lives. For men who are bold enough to examine their relationship with their father, it's an opportunity for them to rewrite the generational patterns of their family.

The best advice for fatherhood is to invest time in your son with an open and loving heart. Talk to him, guide him and teach him about the world of emotion from birth onwards. Do all this and your son will surely become a well-integrated man who can joyfully embrace life.